The surprising link between curiosity, trust and persuasion.

Think back to your school days. For years, success was measured by our ability to produce the right answer. The teacher asked a question, and the student who responded correctly was rewarded. We learnt that having the answer was a sign of intelligence, competence and success. That approach served us well in the classroom.

The challenge is that leadership isn’t a classroom.

When a team member says, “Management never listens,” a customer tells you, “Your service is too expensive,” or a colleague insists, “This change will never work,” our instinct is often to explain, justify or prove them wrong. We believe that if we can provide the right answer, we’ll solve the problem.

“The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said.” ~ Peter Drucker

The most persuasive leaders understand that the first thing people say is often only the surface of a much deeper conversation. Rather than rushing to defend their position, they become curious. They ask thoughtful questions, seek to understand and create an environment where trust can grow.

Let’s explore three reasons why becoming more curious may be the most persuasive leadership skill you will ever develop.

Reason #1: You defend your position before understanding theirs

Imagine a team member says, “Management never listens.” Many leaders instinctively begin defending themselves. They explain that they’ve conducted staff surveys, hold regular team meetings or have an open-door policy. Their intention is understandable. They genuinely want the other person to know they care and that the statement isn’t entirely accurate.

Unfortunately, the moment we begin defending ourselves, we stop trying to understand what the other person is actually experiencing. Instead of exploring their perspective, we begin defending our own. What could have become a meaningful conversation quickly turns into a debate about who is right.

Curious leaders take a different approach. Instead of reacting, they pause. Instead of defending, they ask questions such as, “Help me understand what makes you feel that way,” or “Can you tell me more about your experience?” They haven’t agreed with the statement, nor have they challenged it. They have simply created space for the real issue to emerge.

Perhaps the employee feels excluded from important decisions. Perhaps previous suggestions have been ignored. Perhaps they simply want to know their opinion matters. Until we understand the experience behind the words, we’re often responding to assumptions rather than reality.

5 practical tips for leaders

1. Pause before responding when criticism catches you off guard.
2. Resist the urge to explain or justify your position immediately.
3. Ask an open question before sharing your perspective.
4. Listen to understand, not simply to reply.
5. Remember that understanding someone doesn’t mean agreeing with them.

Reason #2: You assume the first answer is the real problem

One of the biggest mistakes we make in conversations is believing that the first thing people say is the real issue. More often than not, it isn’t.

The answer is rarely the answer.

A customer says, “Your service is too expensive.” Is price really the issue, or are they worried about making the wrong decision, uncertain about the return on investment or carrying the disappointment of a previous supplier?

A colleague says, “This change will never work.” The real concern may have nothing to do with the change itself. They may be worried about workload, capability, resources or fear of failure.

A partner says, “You never help around the house.” Rather than listing everything you’ve done over the past week, consider what might really be sitting underneath those words. Perhaps they feel unsupported, overwhelmed or unappreciated.

The surface statement is often just the doorway to the real conversation. Great leaders don’t stop at the objection. They become curious enough to discover the concern behind it. They understand that behind every objection is a need, and behind every need is a story waiting to be understood.

5 practical tips for leaders

1. Assume there’s always more beneath the first statement.
2. Ask, “Can you tell me more?” before offering solutions.
3. Explore the emotion before discussing the facts.
4. Look for the need behind the objection.
5. Stay curious, even when you think you know the answer.

Reason #3: You try to persuade before creating understanding

Many leaders work hard to persuade others, yet overlook the one thing that makes persuasion possible in the first place: understanding.

When people feel criticised, dismissed or misunderstood, they naturally become defensive. Instead of thinking openly, they begin protecting themselves. The conversation is no longer about solving the problem. It becomes about defending positions.

We’ve all experienced it. Someone interrupts before we’ve finished speaking. Someone dismisses our concern or immediately tells us why we’re wrong. Rather than becoming more open to another perspective, we become less willing to listen. The most persuasive leaders understand that trust comes before influence. They know that people are far more willing to consider a different perspective when they first feel heard and understood.

One simple, powerful habit can transform difficult conversations:

1. Acknowledge what you heard.
2. Ask an open question.
3. Seek to understand before seeking to respond.

Instead of rushing to convince, slow down and seek to understand. You’ll often discover that once people feel genuinely heard, persuasion becomes far less about winning an argument and far more about finding common ground.

5 practical tips for leaders

1. Acknowledge the other person‘s perspective before sharing your own.
2. Ask questions that encourage reflection rather than defensiveness.
3. Focus on understanding before trying to persuade.
4. Remember that trust grows when people feel heard.
5. Aim to create dialogue rather than debate.

Before you go…

The next time someone challenges your thinking, disagrees with your idea or raises an objection, notice your first instinct. Is it to defend yourself, explain your position or prove you’re right? If it is, pause. Take a breath and replace certainty with curiosity. Ask one more question before giving one more answer. You may not change the other person’s mind immediately, but you will almost certainly change the quality of the conversation.

This week, challenge yourself to become more curious in your conversations. The next time someone disagrees with you, resist the urge to defend your position. Instead, ask one genuine question to better understand theirs. You might be surprised by what you discover, and by how much easier it becomes to build trust, strengthen relationships and positively influence those around you.

In the end, leadership isn’t about having the smartest response. It’s about creating the kind of conversations where people feel safe enough to share what really matters. Because the fastest path to persuasion is not proving your point. It’s understanding theirs.

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