How to be assertive and create healthy boundaries.

A leader I worked with recently shared a frustration that many leaders quietly carry. “I feel like I’m constantly putting out fires. Everyone comes to me for answers. My workload keeps growing. I’m exhausted, but I don’t want to let anyone down.”

On the surface, it looked like a workload problem. It wasn’t. It was a confidence and assertiveness problem.

Not because they lacked capability.
Not because they didn’t care.
Not because they weren’t working hard enough.

In fact, the opposite was true. They cared so much about supporting others that they had gradually stopped supporting themselves.

Many leaders associate assertiveness with being forceful, outspoken or confrontational. Yet true assertiveness is none of those things. Assertiveness is the ability to express your needs, expectations, opinions and boundaries clearly and respectfully while also respecting the needs of others.

As Brené Brown reminds us:

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”

The reality is that leadership requires difficult conversations, clear expectations and healthy boundaries. Without them, even the most caring leaders can become overwhelmed, frustrated and exhausted.

Let’s explore three common mistakes that undermine leadership confidence and what you can do instead.

Mistake 1: Waiting for permission to have a voice

Many leaders believe they need agreement, approval or certainty before speaking up.

They wait for the perfect moment.
They soften their message.
They avoid difficult conversations.
They stay silent when they have something valuable to contribute.

The problem is that leadership requires contribution, not permission. Many people struggle with assertiveness because they worry about upsetting others, being judged, losing approval or being perceived negatively. Behind these concerns often sits a deeper belief: “My needs are less important than everyone else’s.”

When leaders operate from this mindset, they often:

• Say yes when they want to say no
• Avoid conversations that need to happen
• Over-accommodate others
• Carry responsibilities that aren’t theirs
• Feel frustrated when their own needs are overlooked

The irony is that every time you silence your own voice, you reinforce the belief that your perspective matters less.

Assertive leaders understand something different. Their value does not depend on everyone agreeing with them. They recognise that leadership is not about being liked all the time. It is about contributing honestly, respectfully and courageously.

The moment you stop waiting for permission to have a voice is the moment you begin leading with greater confidence.

5 practical tips for leaders

1. Contribute once in every meeting: Challenge yourself to share at least one idea, question or perspective.
2. Replace “Sorry” with “Thank you”: Instead of saying, “Sorry for raising this,” try, “Thank you for considering another perspective.”
3. Prepare one key point before important conversations: Knowing your main message reduces hesitation and increases confidence.
4. Ask yourself, “What needs to be said?”: Focus on what the situation needs, rather than how others might react.
5. Practise expressing small preferences: Confidence grows when you regularly voice your thoughts, even in everyday situations.

Mistake 2: Waiting to feel confident before taking action

One of the biggest myths about confidence is that confidence comes first. Many leaders tell themselves:

• “I’ll have the conversation when I feel more confident.”
• “I’ll speak up when I’m more comfortable.”
• “I’ll set the boundary when I’m ready.”

Unfortunately, confidence rarely arrives before action. Most confidence is built through action. Many people believe confidence leads to courage. In reality, courage often comes first. Confidence is frequently the result of taking action despite discomfort.

The sequence usually looks like this:

1. Feel uncomfortable
2. Take action anyway
3. Build evidence
4. Increase confidence
5. Repeat

Think about the first difficult conversation you ever had. You were probably nervous. The second conversation was still uncomfortable. By the tenth conversation, you had evidence that you could handle it. Confidence grows when we repeatedly prove to ourselves that we can navigate discomfort, disagreement and uncertainty.

The discomfort is not a sign that something is wrong. It is often a sign that growth is taking place. Courage comes first. Confidence follows.

5 practical tips for leaders

1. Take the first step before you feel ready: Action creates momentum.
2. Aim for progress, not perfection: Most leadership conversations do not require perfect wording.
3. Start with lower-risk situations: Build confidence gradually through smaller acts of courage.
4. Reflect on past successes: Remind yourself of difficult situations you have already handled successfully.
5. Ask, “What’s the worst realistic outcome?”: Most fears lose power when examined objectively.

Mistake 3: Taking ownership of problems that belong to others

This is perhaps the most common mistake I see in caring leaders. They answer every question. Solve every problem. Approve every decision. Step in before others have had a chance to think for themselves.

At first, it feels helpful. Over time, it becomes exhausting. When leaders constantly carry responsibilities that belong to others, they often experience increased stress, decision fatigue, reduced productivity and frustration. At the same time, the people around them become less capable because they never develop the skills to solve problems independently.

One of the most empowering distinctions a leader can learn is this:

You are responsible for:

• What you say
• How you say it
• Your actions
• Your intentions
• Your behaviour

You are not responsible for:

• Other people’s emotions
• Other people’s assumptions
• Other people’s interpretations
• Other people’s reactions

This is where healthy boundaries become essential. Boundaries are not walls that push people away. They are guidelines that create clarity. And clarity creates confidence. Great leaders do not build dependency. They build capability.

Instead of immediately providing answers, they ask:

• What do you think?
• What options have you considered?
• What recommendation would you make?
• What’s your next step?

Leadership is not about being indispensable. It is about helping others become more capable, confident and accountable.

5 practical tips for leaders

1. Pause before solving: Ask a question before offering an answer.
2. Delegate outcomes, not just tasks: Give people ownership and accountability.
3. Use coaching questions: Encourage thinking rather than dependency.
4. Clarify expectations early: Clear expectations reduce unnecessary escalation.
5. Protect your priorities: Don’t allow someone else’s urgency to automatically become your emergency.

Before you go…

If you find assertiveness uncomfortable, you are not alone. Many caring, capable and highly respected leaders struggle with it. The reason is often simple:

You care deeply.
You want to help.
You don’t want to disappoint people.

Those qualities are strengths. The challenge is ensuring they do not come at the expense of your own wellbeing, confidence and effectiveness.

You can be kind and assertive.
You can be caring and still say No.
You can be supportive and still set boundaries.
You can lead with both compassion and clarity.

Leadership is not choosing between results and relationships. It is learning how to honour both.

This week, choose one small act of assertiveness. Perhaps it’s:

• Saying No to a request that doesn’t align with your priorities
• Providing feedback you’ve been avoiding
• Asking for support
• Delegating a task you’ve been holding onto
• Speaking up in a meeting when you would normally stay silent

Small acts repeated consistently create lasting change.
Leadership confidence is not built by avoiding discomfort.
It is built by navigating and practising it.

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