How looking beneath behaviour helps leaders influence change without escalation.

You have probably been there. You introduce a new process, a change in direction, or a decision that makes sense on paper. Instead of engagement, you get pushback. Silence. Eye rolls. Missed deadlines. Passive resistance. Sometimes not even subtle. It is easy to label this as difficult behaviour or a poor attitude It is also where many leaders get stuck.

Resistance rarely appears out of nowhere. What we see on the surface is often not the real issue at all.

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” ~ Wayne Dyer

In human-centred leadership, understanding behaviour means learning to look beneath what is visible. This is where the iceberg metaphor becomes one of the most useful tools a leader can apply.

Truth 1: Behaviour is visible. The drivers are not.

Behaviour is what we can see and hear. Tone, words, actions, reactions. That is the tip of the iceberg.

Under the surface sit the real drivers of behaviour:

• Thoughts
• Feelings
• Values
• Needs

This matters because behaviour is not who a person is. Behaviour is what a person does. When leaders respond only to what is visible, conversations often become reactive. When leaders look beneath the surface, they stay objective and create space for influence.

5 practical tips for leaders

1. Describe behaviour without judgement
   Stick to what you observe rather than what you assume. This lowers defensiveness immediately.
2. Mentally separate the person from the behaviour
   This helps you respond calmly rather than emotionally.
3. Pause before responding
   Even a few seconds can stop an unhelpful reaction.
4. Notice patterns, not one-off moments
   Repeated behaviours often point to unmet needs.
5. Ask yourself “what might make sense here?”
   This question keeps you curious rather than critical.

Truth 2: Resistance is rarely defiance

It is usually unmet needs in disguise. In most workplaces, resistance is not about laziness or lack of care.

More often, it is driven by something underneath the surface, such as:

• Feeling unheard or dismissed
• Loss of control or certainty
• Fear of failure or exposure
• A values clash that has not been voiced

From the outside, this can look like negativity, avoidance or stubbornness. From the inside, it often feels like self-protection.

The leadership move is shifting from fixing behaviour to understanding what is driving it. This mindset keeps leaders out of emotional reactions and positions them as observers rather than participants in the tension.

5 practical tips for leaders

1. Replace “why” questions with “what” or “how”
   This avoids putting people into defence mode.
2. Name what you notice, then invite input
   “I’m noticing hesitation. Help me understand what’s going on.”
3. Acknowledge emotion without agreeing with behaviour
   Validation is not the same as approval.
4. Check for clarity gaps
   Resistance often comes from unclear expectations or assumptions.
5. Slow the conversation down
   Speed increases resistance. Calm creates safety.

Truth 3: Real influence happens beneath the surface

Trying to force behaviour change at the surface rarely creates lasting results. Sustainable change happens when leaders influence what sits underneath.

Leaders have the greatest impact when they:

• Create a safe and supportive environment
• Help people shift focus rather than fixating on problems
• Encourage clearer thinking and emotional regulation
• Support better decision-making rather than demanding compliance

This does not mean lowering standards or avoiding accountability. It means addressing the cause rather than constantly managing the symptom. When leaders understand where influence can occur, resistance often softens. Conversations become more productive. Behaviour changes without the need for control or escalation.

5 practical tips for leaders

1. Create psychological safety before seeking buy-in
   People engage when they feel safe, not pressured.
2. Shift focus from problems to possibilities
   What people focus on expands.
3. Help people reconnect with purpose and values
   This often unlocks motivation.
4. Invite participation rather than compliance
   Ownership reduces resistance.
5. Model the behaviour you expect
   Consistency builds trust faster than words.

Influencing positive behavioural change is not about excusing poor behaviour. It is about leading with clarity and boundaries.

Leaders still set clear expectations.

They still hold boundaries.

They still address what is not acceptable.

The difference is how they do it.

Empathy without boundaries leads to frustration. Boundaries without understanding lead to resistance. Human-centred leadership brings both together.

Before you go…

When resistance shows up, pause before reacting. Ask yourself:

• What am I seeing at the surface?
• What might be happening underneath?
• How can I respond in a way that addresses the real issue, not just the behaviour?

Leaders who take this approach find they spend less energy managing conflict and more energy guiding meaningful change.

The next time you experience resistance, resist the urge to react.

Step back.

Look beneath the surface.

Lead the conversation from there.

That is where real influence begins.

PS: This iceberg perspective is explored in depth in our Dealing with challenging behaviours group training. The focus is practical and grounded, helping leaders stay objective, confident, and effective when behaviour feels challenging. Speak with your HR team about bringing this training into your organisation.

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